Professor Elemental receives the news that he is to create the new English National Anthem. Image courtesy photofairground
Steampunk champion Professor Elemental has been asked by the House of Commons to provide a new National Anthem for England after it was revealed that the home nation doesn’t have a dedicated song to play at sporting events or as the Army march into war… liberation efforts abroad.
In a move that is being backed by Queen Victoria, the good Professor has been asked to rewrite the lyrics to his popular anthem “I’m British” to better reflect the individualism of the English. The song will be retitled “I’m English” in a response to Barnsley MP Tobias Perkins claiming that God Save the Queen – with it’s hypocritical lyrics of crushing Scots and uniting mankind – doesn’t meet the requirements of today’s steampunks who couldn’t crush a Taco (whatever one of those is) let alone a blue faced, marauding man in a skirt.
We managed to catch up with the Professor in between dropping some phat rhymes and righteous beats to ask what he thought of the project: “I’m deeply honoured to be part of the project to find dear old England a new National Anthem. It’s a privilege to even be considered for such a prestigious role and if nothing else, the ladies will look on me most favourably,” he said.
It’s expected that the new song will be ready for use in around 3 weeks after the word “English” has been copied and pasted over all existing recordings of the song that currently say “British” in them.
I’m English by Professor Elemental
“I begin every sentence with an apology
Sorry that’s the case. That’s just English policy
Probably the case with, everything in honesty
I use ten words when two would do, honestly
I’m English
And that makes me unique
At least I think so, when I hear you speak
See we used to have an empire, but we got a little cocky
Like haha, Johnny foreigner, I’d like to see you stop me
And sure enough, we rhubarb crumbled
Now in every town, all the drunk teens stumble
I’m rather glad really, it made us more humble
Come and ask me where I’m from, dear boy, I won’t mumble
I’m English
I don’t want to be fantastic
Just adequate, and if I’m nice it’s probably sarcastic
Ridiculously cynical that’s what we’re like
If you can’t take a joke, get on your bike
I’m English
Like a clotted cream tea
Apologetic Morris dancer then you must be me
I’m English
Like the wickets in Cricket
Like crikey, blimey, nice one, wicked
I’m English
As a fat dame in a panto
Like Wodehouse, Orwell, Wells and Poe
So if you’re part of Britain then make some noise
But if you’d rather not, that’s fine
We’re ever so nice to our pets
And we know not to work too hard
We’re inventive, accepting, eccentric
And yes, I suppose we’re a bit bizarre
But if you delight in celebrities taken down
Just because of the way they live
Or you can feel bleak joy in a seaside town as the rain pours down on your chips
Or you can drink ten pints of Admirals
Without ever breaking your stride
Or repress your emotions and passions
And bury them deep inside
Then I’ve kept a room in a cramped B&B
With a TV that only shows BBC2
And I have the keys right here
I’ve been keeping them just for you
I’m English
As Williams, James, Hattie Jacques
School dinners, roast dinners, massive cakes
I’m English
As a chimney sweep
Chim chim cheree!
Or a professor in a pith accompanied by Chimpanzees
So if you’re part of Britain then put your hands in the air
But if you’d rather not, that’s fine, actually
I mean I don’t want to cause too much of a fuss
Well, at this point I’d just like to take a moment to apologise on behalf of England for all the things that we’ve brought to the world
Simon Cowell, for example, and eh, Jim Davidson. Fox hunting. Black pudding. Racism
But most of all, we’re all terribly, terribly sorry about Piers Morgan”
In a statement, the British Tea Company said: “We fully stand behind the decision to amend the National Anthem of England to be something more English and only hope that it won’t work to split the country into separate lands. We wish for the United Kingdom to remain united and we’ve written to Her Majesty to take into consideration the use of “Cup of Brown Joy” instead.”
The British Tea Company confirmed that the subject matter of their preferred choice was purely coincidental.
You can view the original I’m British video here: Professor Elemental “I’m British” video
or you can connect with the professor on Æthernet social media: Professor Elemental Facebook page
There’s also his Æthernet site: Professor Elemental website